A wild spirit hunts for a queer person to posses. (Stock photo via Elements Envato)
Do you wake up each morning and feel the following: Lack of physical anchoring to this plane of existence, ectoplasm trailing you as you walk and an irrational desire to ghost any man you go on a date with?
No, you’re not a top. But you might be a ghost, according to the Spiritual Science Research Foundation, who are definitely a legitimate scientific organisation – after all, they’ve recently published a World War III survival guide, and think you can cure most of what ails you with salt water.
The association, which in 2020 said that the “primary catalyst for [the coronavirus] is […] powerful negative energies in the spiritual dimension”, also found that the primary catalyst for being LGBT+ is apparently spiritual possession.
In fact (yes, definitely an indisputable “fact”), 85 per cent of gay people are possessed by ghosts. Oh, and these ghosts make you murderous “100 per cent” of the time, among many other colourful sins.
Gay ghosts are ‘murderous’, say ‘bad words’ and enjoy being ‘nude among others’. Wow, the range we have.
“The main reason behind the gay orientation of some men is that they are possessed by female ghosts,” the ‘researchers’ wrote, “and the female ghost in them that is attracted to other men.”
Similarly, the study then claimed that lesbians have “the presence of male ghosts in them”, explaining their attraction.
The article explained that the ghost “overpowers the person’s normal behaviour to produce the homosexual attraction”, and that the body’s research found it “overpowers the person’s normal behaviour to produce the homosexual attraction”.
But how do these pesky phantoms want us to spend our days on this lump of rock hurtling around in the void of space? Committing sins, because what else is there to do.
That’s right, we’re talking the real bad stuff here. One per cent of the time, the researchers said, homosexuality invites the use of “bad words”.
Oh, the horrors! Someone, anyone, please alert the church elders!
Other “sins related to homosexuality” include how three per cent of LGBT+ people are “in the nude among others” – if that’s what we’re calling it these days – and 13 per cent attack somebody.
All LGBT+ people are “murderous” because of these devilish wraiths, apparently. But it remains unclear in the findings whether you are counted as an accomplice to the ghost if arrested for a crime, however.
Moreover, those LGBT+ people “possessed by ghosts” are “more susceptible to being influenced by negative energies, which give them thoughts to encourage them to display their homosexuality in a shameless and even aggressive manner”.
Such displays include Pride parades and festivals, which the Spiritual Science Research Foundation has deemed as public “showcases” of “exhibitionism and narcissism” – but even muscle gays need a hobby, mind you.
Pride parades “emit negative energy for up to 10 kilometres, and “negative energy over the city increases, and it subtly spreads farther than 10 kilometres”.
OK, so I’m possessed by a spooky ghost, what do I do about it?
So, to any murderous, occasionally nude ghosts reading this, you may wonder: “How do I know if I am in the 85 per cent of queer folk possessed by a ghost?”
Fret no more. According to the foundation, signs you’ve been possessed by an eerie entity include low energy levels, bouts of depression, financial loss and impulsive behaviour.
In other words, in the year 2021, we’re all doomed – phone your local exorcist today.
The organisation does have a few helpful methods to overcome your ghoulish state of affairs, including chanting spiritual sayings or hypnotherapy.
The latter will help in “inducing physical attraction to the opposite sex” and “erasing memories of previous homosexual experiences and [replacing] them with heterosexual ones”.
But if you’re content with the ghost living inside of you, we hope this study today raised your spirits.